Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
