my phone needs a breathalizer
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
