I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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