Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
