A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
