i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
