You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize