dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
