my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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