I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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