Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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