You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
