Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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