Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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