I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
