don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
