actually, I'm a sock model
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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