my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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