So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
