Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
