I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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