I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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