Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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