What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
