Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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