from now on my penis is your penis
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
