Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
