Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
