You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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