His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize