so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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