highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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