My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
