I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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