tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
