The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
