You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
