JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
sex in a hospital.. check
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
