god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize