god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
