now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
