The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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