I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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