You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
