Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he had hair everywhere except his balls
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
