Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
