I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
