Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
