Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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