whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
There are leaves in my underwear?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
