And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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