Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
