I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
