i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
