I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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