Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
