We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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