I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
