I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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