four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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