I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
