how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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