Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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