I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
